I want to die

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Shes going to marry someone else in the spring. She was supposed to marry me... I wanted to spend my life with her so badly and I thought she did to. but now I understand more then ever that it could never be. That she was never going to wait for me. I just don't know know what to do. I'm so hurt and angry, I hate her so much. And yet I'm happy that she is happy.... Love is a strange thing. I'm so afraid of being alone.

Really shouldn't have....

So I read Dakota's blog. really shouldn't have. Cuz now I'm more depressed then ever. I think I might be done trying to pretend that everything can work out between us. I guess I just back off a bit and see if she ends up coming back again. And if not...I'd rather not think about that.

There's always another guy, always. Always, and I'm starting to feel like she just uses me to make herself feel loved when she is in between her real life guys. That's a pretty crappy feeling. I'm not sure what to do anymore, it seems like everytime something is going good someone comes along and FUCKS EVERYTHING THING UP. And I'm getting sick of it, I really am. I just want her love to myself...is that to much to ask?

On the topic of love (this is a long one)

I often wonder about love. Where and when I will find it. I wonder what she will be like, this girl that will complete me. I've fallen in love before mind you, fallen deeply in love. I was ready to marry a girl once. So I know what it feels like to give yourself over to someone completely, to trust another person to never hurt you. and I know what it feels like to have that trust Shattered. I think we all do.
Love hurts, its cliche but true. But I'm addicted to it. I'm a romantic, I'm in love the very idea of being in love. And I don't have any delusions about fate or soul mates. Its a numbers game, its about hard work and dedication. Because if you find someone that you think you can spend the rest of you life with. Don't hold back, because you might never find that person again. Even if you just sorta like someone go for it take the chance, because you never know. I've let a few good ones ones slip through my fingers, we all have.

I know it seems like I'm rambling and I probably am but your still reading so I must be saying something good.

When it comes to love I feel that this quote pretty much describes how I feel. Its from Scrubs. Matt watching Scrubs? Nooooo.
"Relationships don't work they way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever. Gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do believe in it. Bottom line: it's couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something."
-Dr. Cox

But thats really what I feel it all comes down to, ya know. You have to fight to hold a relationship together if you really love someone, if you truly want to be with them. But by the same token you have to know when to let someone go. A relationship can last if only one person wants it to. this is something I had to learn the hard way.

I honestly can't say if there is a point to all of this. No doubt my time would have been better spent paying attention in history today. but this would have been going through my head anyway.

I suppose this all comes from my recent heartache. U love this girl, she loves me, but there is a great distance between us. And its more then she can handle, she needs physical attention, something I can't give her from here. So its not going to work, I wish i could attend to her. But I can't and its driving a wedge between us. So I'm going to discard my romantic feelings for her and just try and be the best friend to her that I can. So I'm going to try and move on. shouldn't be hard to find a girl, after all I'm very handsome (I'm not vain I swear it). I just sorta need to find someone I can lose myself in for awhile, I'm not looking for love just a companion.

I'm still just a kid and so is she. I'm 21 way to young to be looking to settle down, and shes 18 no way its on her mind. so maybe we both need to grow up a bit. And we have never met in person before. so maybe once we do we will hit it off again. but until then I'm not going to peruse anything romantic with her. I'll just stay close be her friend like I was before. just get out of this dangerous area before one of us does something to really hurt the other.

So yeah thats sorta whats been on my mind lately I'm going to wrap this up as its getting to be about two written pages. So in the end,

Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction.
-Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Until next we meet

Much love to you all,
The Dread Pirate Roberts....aka Matt, Otis, Steve,Chelsy and whatever else there calling me these days.

Well it seems that I'm better at reading people and situations then I thought. My Girlfriend just broke up with me. I find it odd that it would happen on the same day that I posted the other blog. I can honestly say that I'm very disappointed, but not really surprised. I really wanted to it to work out I really care about her.

Life is too complicated

So since the last time I posted I've gotten over my ex, and gotten a new girlfriend. Of course this new girlfriend comes with a whole new set of problems namely that she lives in another state. But shes great she one of my closest friends and we talk all the time. Or at least we used to. lately its been hard to find time to call, and I feel like we have been drifting apart. we've been together for a month now and I really think I might love her. But this long distance thing makes it complicated. And lately its beginning to feel like we aren't as close as we where when we were just friends. I don't want to lose her but I'm afraid of seeming controlling. I'm not really sure what to do, but it does feel good to write all this down.

OMG a Blog

Wow I'm actually blogging, never thought I would end up here. Well I guess I should introduce myself. My name is Matt but my friends call me Otis. The story about that goes back....wow 7 years...when I was again wow 14. I was riding the late bus home and talking with my friends, my friend Renee was writing Newsies Fanfiction which sounds really lame looking back on it. But anyway she was writing said Fanfiction and had a list of names, my other friend Uylses grabbed the list pointed to a name and said "Otis, Matt's Otis." And it just sort of stuck. Through out high School I would meet people who though Otis and Matt where to different people, since they had heard the two names tossed around but never met me. Anywho thats how I became Otis, not to exciting huh, bet you thought it was more interesting then that.

But that doesn't really tell you much about me now does it. Well I'm into I love stories, and really anything that tells stories to be honest. I see most things as a medium to tell a story. Which is the opposite of my Ex Girlfriend who sees everything as a medium for art. Yes my Ex Girlfriend I'm single and not to happy about it. She broke up with me for reasons that I wont go into suffice to say that the 3 years that we were together, and I look forward to our new friendship.

I'm really into video games, and dnd. I'm trying to put a webcomic togeather, and I had better before some of my friends kill me for not doing it. I like anime, and basicly if its pretty geeky I'm probably into it. I'm funny(at least I think I am), Kind, careing and am in love with being in love. So yeah thats pretty much me. Anyone still reading after all that? the rest of my post will be more of a diary then stuff like this.

-Matt